Everybody hurts sometimes... [entries|friends|calendar] bryana [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[20 Feb 2009|12:06am] To whom it may concern, I miss you a lot. There is no question about that, but as much as it hurts me, in a way its much healthier. I no longer have to put in so much energy to get you to remember that you have a gf and you are supposed to care. You are extremely selfish and only care about yourself. Even after we broke up, you are supposed to be my friend, you are the worse at making someone feel better. LET DOWN YOUR GUARD!! Act like you care about someone besides your self for once. GODD. You kill me. As much as I miss you, I would not get in a relationship with you again. Its a comfort thing, and I miss things about you, but you did not make me happy. I spent so time convincing myself I was happy while trying to make you change things about yourself, and then I lean on you about a friend issue, and you act exactly the same. You can't comfort me at all, in anyway. you suck. That is pretty much what it comes down to. You are fun to hang out with, but when it comes to being a supportive, emotionally stable person, you are useless. Maybe the military did it to you. Maybe you were born defective. Either way, you should try on being a person. 1 sped by | one disaster after another

didn't work [12 Feb 2009|11:23pm] I realized why it didn't work.... I didn't get what I needed and you got everything I had. I look at this one relationship in particular... (whom I'm close with) and it is some of the cutest collection of things he does that amazes me. I have never been with someone who missed me when I was gone. Someone who couldn't stop kissing me because I was everything they wanted. You weren't the one who thought of cute things to do for me for no apparent reason. You like your single life, and you can't give it up. It hurts but I realize it wouldn't have worked anyways. You need to give me what I want and you weren't willing to do it. Even though my feelings are so strong, I wasn't as happy as I should have been. I planned things I thought you would be so thrilled about and you didn't care. I thought of you before everything that might hurt you. You held me when I was upset, but not when I was happy. You did everything half asked and you know it. I love you and you will always be in my life but not the way I want you to. You can't be that person for whatever reason. You hold back and only think about yourself. You don't think of others. You haven;t even told anyone about us breaking up because you would have to 1) care. and 2) talk to people and share emotions. GOD FORBID. I'm not angry just heart broken that you were not the one. I want to send this to you. I want you to see what I'm actually thinking, but I can't. 1) because you would have to care 2) because I'm trying this whole "friend" thing and 3) because it won't change anything. 1 sped by | one disaster after another

Alone and Helpless [11 Jul 2008|07:26pm] This summer has been one of the worse. I feel extremely lonely and helpless. Since my dad lost his job money has been tight. Today I realized just how tight it is. Things are bad. My parents were talking about selling our house in about 6 months if things don't get better. My dad put are jet ski up for sale, I think just to have gas and food money. I have tried to get a job the last month or two, and no one wants to hire someone who will be leaving. I can't help out at all. I have nothing to do in the day, and no one to talk to. My two best friends are in bad places themselves, and there is nothing I can do for them either. I haven't cried in a while, but this is tearing me apart. I have no money to do anything, and no where to get money. I have no clue how I will even get books for next semester. I can't wait to go to school, but at the same time we can't afford it. I know I have almost always been fortunate enough to get whatever I wanted. I knew when my dad lost his job that things would be different, I didn't know things would get this bad this quick. No one calls me, so I never know what is going on in anyones life. The one person I still feel connected with, is far away and I fear to burden him with all of this. Dan is coming to Florida next week, and he is the only person that makes me happy lately. The problem is, with what he has to do, he probably won't get a chance to come to Tampa this time around and meet anyone. So I asked my mom if we would drive there and hang out there. She really wants to meet him, but told me today that she wasn't sure if we could afford gas. I'm not even embarrassed by all this, it just brakes my heart. I wish that I could do something, but I can't. My account is actually over withdrawn... I have no clue how the fuck that happened... and have no money to fix it. I can't even ask my parents for $5 for starbucks because I feel so guilty. All I want to do is smoke constantly because I'm so stressed, the problem is, I can't afford my habit. I know that people are so much worse off, and I know that things happen for a reason, and so on and so fourth but I can't help but crying myself to sleep every night. I can't help but feeling completely alone and helpless. one disaster after another

gee... and I wonder why trusting people is IMPOSSIBLE... hmmm [15 Jan 2008|11:32am] I really need to start writing in here more. It's not for you, but for me. Writing is therapeutic , and typing is faster. My coming home for Christmas break was probably the worse idea ever. I mean my family is cool, but other people suck. Meaghan is supposed to be one of my best friends.... (moment of LAUGHTER HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH). If she could be anymore of a bitch, I think she would beat out everyone I've ever known. It wouldn't be because she has done the worse things to me, oh no. It;s because I trusted her the most, and that is why it hurts so bad. She needs to get her life together, and stop living through the boys. She doesn't acre about anyone but herself... and the boys. SORRY I DON'T HAVE A PENIS! But I do believe that exact thing got her in trouble before? HMM.... but who was there for her... go on guess.... come on... starts with B and ends in RYANA. WHAT? Not Brent? ODD.. I thought that was who she devoted every second of her life to? Funny how things works out. She has not only betrayed me once... OH NO... about 4 BIG fuck ups just over xmas break!! WOW! That must be some kind of record. I'm sure she could have done more... just ran out of time. BEST PART!! She left to go back to school and didn't even say goodbye! AWESOME friend... if anyone reads this and wants her number, let me know. Best friend I could recommend. I won't be coming home for 5 months... Spring break in LONDON!! WOOT! And can't even say goodbye. NICE. She's a winner. I've devoted some much time and energy into a heartless bitch. Any questions?? 2 sped by | one disaster after another

[10 Sep 2007|09:34am] I'm in love. I've never felt this way before. EVER. I know some people are against it but, "If it makes you happyyy........ it can't the badddddddddddddddddddd." AMEN. one disaster after another

[02 Sep 2007|11:00am] [ mood | loved ] but he just makes me so happy.... one disaster after another

sigh [28 Aug 2007|08:34pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | the weepies ] i used to think i went 75% and he only went 25% and it was ok. now i go 90% and he goes 10%. when will i stop? when will be my braking point? 1 sped by | one disaster after another

I haven't felt so dark in ages... [25 Aug 2007|08:27pm] So it's been awhile since I've felt like dying. It's been awhile since I've written in this thing. I'm sure there's no correlation. scoff. I moved into my dorm yesterday and I've never felt so alone in my life. I love my roommate but it's still so far away from home. I had to say goodbye to my parents today and that was a lot harder than I ever expected. I CAN'T DO THIS. I"M NOT STRONG ENOUGH. I don't know anyone here. I miss skipster so much. She's my life and other half. My mom's sick again. We don't exactly know whats going on but it's not good. My fuckbuddy/ lover hates me right now because i'm suffocating even though I just bought him a 200 dollar plane ticket to come up here. My parents don't want me to come home and don't care that I'm miserable. I hate myself right now. I'm braking down. I'm not going to make it. I get no reception in my dorm which is FUCKING AWESOME. :) I'm so passed addiction to cigarettes. Brent and Matt can fucking die right now. Infact, almost 99% of people I know right now can die. Man it feels pretty good getting this off my chest. Why did i choose to go so far away? I can't handle this. I'm not strong enough. I think I will go undercover for a few days... underground in fact. Not answering phone calls or text messages. Just laying in a fetal position under blankets where no one can find me. I haven't been this lost and broken down in so long. But you know what they say, when it hits you, it hits FUCKING HARD. Which brings me to my fuck buddy. We have good sex. we have really good sex in fact. The problem is that... he's a cold hearted asshole who only cares about drugs. :) But besides that, he's perfect. A+ in my book. I should have pulled out before I developed feelings. I should have. I knew that from the beginning. DAMN IT. "why'd you have to be so cute? Impossible to ignore you..." FUCK HIM. oh wait. That's what i've been doing... which caused the problem in the first place. tehe. Life's ironic. Meaghan is just in love with brent... which wouldn't be so bad if he DIDN'T SUCK AT LIFE. And if Allie sends me another fucking random text about ALL the sororities that WANT HER. gag me with a fucking spoon. The only person that has always cared about me every since I've known her is skipster. I would do anything to be with her right now. Just to hug her and hold her and tell her how much she means to me. Because just words don't even begin. I hate it here. I hate the skanky hoes and the guys who think they're hotter than hot. BLAH. I want real people. I want my home. I want my family. But Rollingstone's say.. " you can't always get what you want". But why? Why can't you always get what you want? What harm does that do? 3 sped by | one disaster after another

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