Everybody hurts sometimes...

disgruntledpnut @ 2009-02-20T00:06:00

2009-02-20T05:20:40Z

To whom it may concern,
I miss you a lot. There is no question about that, but as much as it hurts me, in a way its much healthier. I no longer have to put in so much energy to get you to remember that you have a gf and you are supposed to care. You are extremely selfish and only care about yourself. Even after we broke up, you are supposed to be my friend, you are the worse at making someone feel better. LET DOWN YOUR GUARD!! Act like you care about someone besides your self for once. GODD. You kill me. As much as I miss you, I would not get in a relationship with you again. Its a comfort thing, and I miss things about you, but you did not make me happy. I spent so time convincing myself I was happy while trying to make you change things about yourself, and then I lean on you about a friend issue, and you act exactly the same. You can't comfort me at all, in anyway. you suck. That is pretty much what it comes down to. You are fun to hang out with, but when it comes to being a supportive, emotionally stable person, you are useless. Maybe the military did it to you. Maybe you were born defective. Either way, you should try on being a person.

didn't work

2009-02-13T04:33:47Z

I realized why it didn't work.... I didn't get what I needed and you got everything I had. I look at this one relationship in particular... (whom I'm close with) and it is some of the cutest collection of things he does that amazes me. I have never been with someone who missed me when I was gone. Someone who couldn't stop kissing me because I was everything they wanted. You weren't the one who thought of cute things to do for me for no apparent reason. You like your single life, and you can't give it up. It hurts but I realize it wouldn't have worked anyways. You need to give me what I want and you weren't willing to do it. Even though my feelings are so strong, I wasn't as happy as I should have been. I planned things I thought you would be so thrilled about and you didn't care. I thought of you before everything that might hurt you. You held me when I was upset, but not when I was happy. You did everything half asked and you know it. I love you and you will always be in my life but not the way I want you to. You can't be that person for whatever reason. You hold back and only think about yourself. You don't think of others. You haven;t even told anyone about us breaking up because you would have to 1) care. and 2) talk to people and share emotions. GOD FORBID. I'm not angry just heart broken that you were not the one. I want to send this to you. I want you to see what I'm actually thinking, but I can't. 1) because you would have to care 2) because I'm trying this whole "friend" thing and 3) because it won't change anything.

Alone and Helpless

2008-07-11T23:43:18Z

This summer has been one of the worse. I feel extremely lonely and helpless. Since my dad lost his job money has been tight. Today I realized just how tight it is. Things are bad. My parents were talking about selling our house in about 6 months if things don't get better. My dad put are jet ski up for sale, I think just to have gas and food money. I have tried to get a job the last month or two, and no one wants to hire someone who will be leaving. I can't help out at all. I have nothing to do in the day, and no one to talk to. My two best friends are in bad places themselves, and there is nothing I can do for them either. I haven't cried in a while, but this is tearing me apart. I have no money to do anything, and no where to get money. I have no clue how I will even get books for next semester. I can't wait to go to school, but at the same time we can't afford it. I know I have almost always been fortunate enough to get whatever I wanted. I knew when my dad lost his job that things would be different, I didn't know things would get this bad this quick. No one calls me, so I never know what is going on in anyones life. The one person I still feel connected with, is far away and I fear to burden him with all of this. Dan is coming to Florida next week, and he is the only person that makes me happy lately. The problem is, with what he has to do, he probably won't get a chance to come to Tampa this time around and meet anyone. So I asked my mom if we would drive there and hang out there. She really wants to meet him, but told me today that she wasn't sure if we could afford gas. I'm not even embarrassed by all this, it just brakes my heart. I wish that I could do something, but I can't. My account is actually over withdrawn... I have no clue how the fuck that happened... and have no money to fix it. I can't even ask my parents for $5 for starbucks because I feel so guilty. All I want to do is smoke constantly because I'm so stressed, the problem is, I can't afford my habit. I know that people are so much worse off, and I know that things happen for a reason, and so on and so fourth but I can't help but crying myself to sleep every night. I can't help but feeling completely alone and helpless.

gee... and I wonder why trusting people is IMPOSSIBLE... hmmm

2008-01-15T16:33:04Z

I really need to start writing in here more. It's not for you, but for me. Writing is therapeutic , and typing is faster. My coming home for Christmas break was probably the worse idea ever. I mean my family is cool, but other people suck. Meaghan is supposed to be one of my best friends.... (moment of LAUGHTER HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH). If she could be anymore of a bitch, I think she would beat out everyone I've ever known. It wouldn't be because she has done the worse things to me, oh no. It;s because I trusted her the most, and that is why it hurts so bad. She needs to get her life together, and stop living through the boys. She doesn't acre about anyone but herself... and the boys. SORRY I DON'T HAVE A PENIS! But I do believe that exact thing got her in trouble before? HMM.... but who was there for her... go on guess.... come on... starts with B and ends in RYANA. WHAT? Not Brent? ODD.. I thought that was who she devoted every second of her life to? Funny how things works out. She has not only betrayed me once... OH NO... about 4 BIG fuck ups just over xmas break!! WOW! That must be some kind of record. I'm sure she could have done more... just ran out of time. BEST PART!! She left to go back to school and didn't even say goodbye! AWESOME friend... if anyone reads this and wants her number, let me know. Best friend I could recommend. I won't be coming home for 5 months... Spring break in LONDON!! WOOT! And can't even say goodbye. NICE. She's a winner. I've devoted some much time and energy into a heartless bitch. Any questions??

disgruntledpnut @ 2007-09-10T09:34:00

2007-09-10T13:36:08Z

I'm in love. I've never felt this way before. EVER. I know some people are against it but, "If it makes you happyyy........ it can't the badddddddddddddddddddd." AMEN.

disgruntledpnut @ 2007-09-02T11:00:00

2007-09-02T15:01:57Z

but he just makes me so happy....

sigh

2007-08-29T00:36:38Z

i used to think i went 75% and he only went 25% and it was ok. now i go 90% and he goes 10%. when will i stop? when will be my braking point?

I haven't felt so dark in ages...

2007-08-26T01:01:19Z

So it's been awhile since I've felt like dying. It's been awhile since I've written in this thing. I'm sure there's no correlation. scoff. I moved into my dorm yesterday and I've never felt so alone in my life. I love my roommate but it's still so far away from home. I had to say goodbye to my parents today and that was a lot harder than I ever expected. I CAN'T DO THIS. I"M NOT STRONG ENOUGH. I don't know anyone here. I miss skipster so much. She's my life and other half. My mom's sick again. We don't exactly know whats going on but it's not good. My fuckbuddy/ lover hates me right now because i'm suffocating even though I just bought him a 200 dollar plane ticket to come up here. My parents don't want me to come home and don't care that I'm miserable. I hate myself right now. I'm braking down. I'm not going to make it. I get no reception in my dorm which is FUCKING AWESOME. :) I'm so passed addiction to cigarettes. Brent and Matt can fucking die right now. Infact, almost 99% of people I know right now can die. Man it feels pretty good getting this off my chest. Why did i choose to go so far away? I can't handle this. I'm not strong enough. I think I will go undercover for a few days... underground in fact. Not answering phone calls or text messages. Just laying in a fetal position under blankets where no one can find me. I haven't been this lost and broken down in so long. But you know what they say, when it hits you, it hits FUCKING HARD. Which brings me to my fuck buddy. We have good sex. we have really good sex in fact. The problem is that... he's a cold hearted asshole who only cares about drugs. :) But besides that, he's perfect. A+ in my book. I should have pulled out before I developed feelings. I should have. I knew that from the beginning. DAMN IT. "why'd you have to be so cute? Impossible to ignore you..." FUCK HIM. oh wait. That's what i've been doing... which caused the problem in the first place. tehe. Life's ironic. Meaghan is just in love with brent... which wouldn't be so bad if he DIDN'T SUCK AT LIFE. And if Allie sends me another fucking random text about ALL the sororities that WANT HER. gag me with a fucking spoon. The only person that has always cared about me every since I've known her is skipster. I would do anything to be with her right now. Just to hug her and hold her and tell her how much she means to me. Because just words don't even begin. I hate it here. I hate the skanky hoes and the guys who think they're hotter than hot. BLAH. I want real people. I want my home. I want my family. But Rollingstone's say.. " you can't always get what you want". But why? Why can't you always get what you want? What harm does that do?

disgruntledpnut @ 2006-08-03T16:21:00

2006-08-03T20:18:35Z

I sat by myself today at lunch. : /

disgruntledpnut @ 2006-07-31T16:43:00

2006-07-31T20:58:34Z

Ok so today was by far the most interesting so far. Today I had these WONDERFUL things called senior pictures. WOW. Life changing... only begins to decribe the hour and 45 minute wait to take 13 OBSCENE pictures. OK so I signed in at this desk thing when I went in and I really wasn't that far down the list so I figure hey... a couple minutes. HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Thats the story of my life. First they had a system where once your name was called you went up and got on your velvet ugly-ass half shirt thing and then you went straight to the picture drop thing. Well it just so happens that like four people before me decide that they will have the people wait in the half-shirt thing until their name was called. So I got to wait 45 minutes in front of all these kids that I knew in 8th grade in this thing. What a waste of my life. Here is the best part though... ok so left and right I see people that I knew growing up. I could tell you about 3/4 of the kids first AND last names but not one of them either 1)reconized me or 2) cared. My mom was getting all mad because I kept turning to her and telling her the kids names and how I went on this field trip with this girl and I used to go over this kids house all the time. Its weird you know. SItting there knowing all of these kids and not one of them questions knowing you. My mom kept telling me to go up to them and talk but its not that simple. I'm pretty shy when around people that I don't know and what was I suppose to do. ATTACK them? I mean "Hey I'm Bryana, I think we were really good friends in 8th grade. I moved away and you pretended that you cared but HEY guess what? I'm back and it looks liek you don't give a fuck! DO you remember me at all?" I guess the worst thing that could happen is that they say no but that would kind of suck on my part. There was this one kid Tim though. I had a crush on him forever and he was a pretty good friend and we hung out alot. Well he kept looking at me and I at him but neither had the courage I guess. This other girl Brittni, well she was one of my good friends and she just looked at me like I was dead. I don't blame these people, I mean I guess they just don't reconize me. The problem with that bullshit is that after pictures we went to Publix ( its like Harris Teeter) the girl that was checking us out asked if I was Alyssa's sister, I was like yeah, and she said she remembers me and my sister and her were good friends. I kind of remembered her but oviously I didn't change that much because that random girl rememered me. So whatever. There is my story. This year will be interesting. Oh I don't have to take the bus. woot. woot.

p.s.- today my brother and i watched LOTR marathon. It made me really really happy. I love my brother and I love LOTR.

disgruntledpnut @ 2006-07-26T22:58:00

2006-07-27T02:55:52Z

"when the power of love overcomes teh love of power, the world will know peace". Brillant quote.

disgruntledpnut @ 2006-07-26T22:31:00

2006-07-27T02:42:30Z

Wow. Lets just see here if I remember how to add a new entry...check. Comment...check. Tangent....
So I know it has been a hell of a long time since I've updated but I feel this is the best time to start again. I miss talking to Jamie on here and all the drama shit that comes along with it. So here is what has been up. I have recently moved to Florida for my senior year and I could not be more unhappy. I hate the fact that all of friends still get to hang out everyday when I am here alone all day just thinking about them being together. You know what... LJ is all about truth so here is some truth. I"m bitter. I"M FUCKING BITTER AS HELL. It is not fair to the people I'm mean to because what did they do? Not move? That is so lame on my part for taking out how unhappy I am on them. Honestly I can't help it, or if I could I don't think I would. I'm going to be selfish here for a second. Why did this fucking move have to happen to me? I mean I believe that everything happens for a reason.... well this one is fucking stunning me because I haven't figured it out yet. I miss skipster like hell but everytime we talk its me bitching about how unhappy I am. Its not fair to her because she didn't do anything but its hard when everytime I call she is with our group of friends and someone that I hold dear to me. So it sucks for everyone. Should I just not call? NOt ask about everyone? NO. Because that is wrong on my part. I want to get over this. There are a few other things I want to clear up. Chase, I'm SOO sorry I didn't give back your movie. I swear I will send it to you shortly. It kept slipping my mind. Leave your address and I will send it. Im sorry again. You have been nothing but a true friend to me and it is my fault. Leigh I don't hate you. I will admit I said that.. maybe more than once. There were reasons behind this that aren't even worth talking about but I don't hate you. Please know that. You were always a good friend to me and I'm willing to grow up now and not worry about things that don't affect me. Please forgive me. Jamie I'm so sorry I haven't called you in a while. I miss talking to you late at night and I sent an e-mail to Drew's dad the other day that wasn't returned...hmm.... shocker. ANyways I hope all is well and I hope to talk to you soon. Everyone else.... well I'm back. This will be interesting as I lay out before you feelings if you move your senior year! BEWARE LJ. Its on. peace.

disgruntledpnut @ 2006-02-05T15:43:00

2006-02-05T20:48:30Z

I am happy for th first time in a while. Drew and I couldn't be on any better terms... we're like the cutest best friends ever. Kritsi has a new bf and they couldn't be more perfect. My dad got a job in Florida that pay so much more than he ever got. I'm getting re-aquainted with my friends from Flodida. School is going pretty well. I went shopping today and bought stuff for myself... something i hadn't done in a long time. I'm not letting asshole liers run my life anymore. In two weeks I'm going to Florida and after that maybe go up to Needham for a long weekend. Its Black history month...hahaha. yeah! Umm... spring break... I think I'm going to Las Vegas... and skipsters coming too.... Oh BTW skipster I don't think we're going to Canada anymore... my mom doesn't want to go skiing. Yeah Life is pretty good. Hows your life going??

disgruntledpnut @ 2006-01-22T16:31:00

2006-01-22T21:32:37Z

I fucking hate myse;f. This is all my fault.

disgruntledpnut @ 2006-01-22T13:04:00

2006-01-22T18:18:21Z

Last night I almost lost someone extremely close to me. Thanks to Brittany we were able to save thier life. I'm speechless. I was fortunate enough to be with alot of people that love me at the time but, I realized that people that I'm not that close to were much more sympathetic and helpful to me then people that I thought would have my back no matter what. I'm really upset right now. Why do people keep telling me over and over "thank you" and "you did the right thing". First of all, I wouldn't have known what to do if Brittany wasn't there. She was like my guardian angel. I can't put into words how helpful and amazing she was. Second, STOp telling me thank you. I HATE IT. Its not like I just bought you lunch... I did what any person would do. This person I can't even put into words how much I love them. When you tell me thank you for something like this, it makes me feel numb. I'm not happy. I don't feel any better when you tell me this. I don't feel like I did anything to be getting praise. THIS IS SHIT!!! Have those people thought that maybe the whole reason something like this happened was because of me? I had written a note to this person that could have caused them to take this action. FUCK EVERYONE. I HATE YOU. If something would have happened to this person I could never be able to live with myself. If this person ever gets a chance to read this, know that I love you. Everyone loves you. You're NOT a bad person. Please stop apologizing for everything. Its not your fault. I love you soo much. Please don't be mad at me. I only did what I did because I love you not because I wanted you to suffer.

disgruntledpnut @ 2005-12-31T03:04:00

2005-12-31T08:05:16Z

Sorry Skipster and Daniel. A lj cut will take place next time.

disgruntledpnut @ 2005-12-24T13:07:00

2005-12-24T18:07:48Z

The feeling is gone
Listen to me as I explain this situation
Its not like I wanna destroy his reputation
We're still together
But we are not moving on

When we first met it was the perfect combination
Now when I look at him it fills me with frustration
What is a girl to do when she is not having fun

[CHORUS]
How can I tell him I have to try
There is no easy way of saying goodbye
How do I break it
Its just no good
My heart is telling me that I really should
I must be subtle
I must be strong
the feeling is gone

I think we're in the oppisette direction
No longer think that we are making a connection
I am so unhappy
I'd rather be alone

In the beginning it was one special occasion
Now when I talk to him his mind is on vacation

[CHORUS]

[CHORUS]

I want it over all said and done
How can I tell him that he isn't the one
I must be subtle
I must be strong
the feeling is gone

disgruntledpnut @ 2005-12-23T08:19:00

2005-12-23T13:21:27Z

"I really don't want to see someone that I will have to see."

So my as we're driving back from the DMv, which was closed, my dad asked "So have you figured out whta you're going to do with you life yet?"

AAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. Yep I got up until the age of 34, every single day planned, then all of a sudden I drop dead and leave my three children to grow up with out a mom or dad because he left me.

disgruntledpnut @ 2005-12-22T09:40:00

2005-12-22T14:41:49Z

I'm quitting:
-smoking
-caring about soemone who doesn't care about me more than his dumb ass weed
-talking about people I really do care about
-trying to find every bad ass thing to do.... just to look cool
-not realizing who my true friends are.

disgruntledpnut @ 2005-12-17T23:39:00

2005-12-18T05:03:34Z

Well I would like to start out by saying that I would feel completely out of place if I didn't make a post about how people are d-bags. Like everyone else that thinks they're so super cool by being BITCHES; so I decided to join the club!!!
Rules for joining:
1- You MUST say REALLY mean things to draw attention to yourself.
2- You MUST then take the people off your friends list and make it FRIENDS ONLY!!!!!
3- Nope never mind, thats all you have to do to be in the club. Its really easy.
4- Oh wait you have to be immature like me and make a post like this one, which if you like me this is funny and if you don't you will say something like "grow up." hahahahahha SUCK IT!

People think they're so fucking funny and witty. HAHHAHAHAHAHA. REALITY = They suck! I love when people get so into things. I love when you get yelled at for doing something that same person is doing, and them having twist it around to make them look like they're a gift from god.

BLUEWAVE6: OMG! angela took me off her friends list
BLUEWAVE6: HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHa
BLUEWAVE6: i'm CRUSHED
CKyHUMAN: bummer bryana
CKyHUMAN: how are you going to deal with that?
BLUEWAVE6: a razor helps??

More humor!!!!!!!!!!

disgruntledpnut @ 2005-12-17T13:28:00

2005-12-17T18:29:16Z

I miss how things used to be.

disgruntledpnut @ 2005-12-11T10:24:00

2005-12-11T15:29:28Z

So after not sleeping last night.. or at least never getting past stage 1..(psychology is a god class)... I'm come to realize something that kills me. I'm exactly what I've never wanted to be, and worse, what I hate about other people. I'm a conformest and a hypacrite. I'm so sorry for you guys having to deal with me. I will say right now though, that altough I might change slightly varying from one group of friends to the next, I'm completely sincere and non-fake with each and everyone of you. I really do love you all. Oh yeah and I've come to terms with the fact that maybe I do like attention. BUt I was also thinking... I mean who doesn't do all these things to even a slight degree? Think about it.

disgruntledpnut @ 2005-12-11T00:55:00

2005-12-11T05:59:04Z

I hate disappointing people. Especially soemone that means the world to me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I really don't do these things for attention... at least I don't think I do. I really don't want beef between us. You mean WAY to much to me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm trying to quit. Its not an addiction or used to fit in.... just a social substance. Please forgive.

disgruntledpnut @ 2005-12-10T10:06:00

2005-12-10T15:07:08Z

"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now? Reality leaves a lot to the imagination."
-John Lennon

This changed my life.

disgruntledpnut @ 2005-12-03T16:54:00

2005-12-03T21:58:45Z

Last night started out amazing and ended awful. So I went to Kayla's party for like a hour and a half. It was alot of fun. I got to meet many people I didn't know. However I felt SOOOOO bad when I left to go to sketchfest and when Megan and Maddie showed up to get me. Man Kaylas mom thinks I'm sooo sketch.(LONG STORY). So then Megan picked us up and we went to Dan's. We JUST missed nenson which sucked. Then I started feeling REALLY REALLY sick. I stayed barely 2 hours before Megan had to drive me home because I couldn't even stand up. It sucked. I didn't get to see the last 2 bands, and I missed the post-party.hahaha. But I did get to see the loves of my life.<3. I still feel absolutely awful. I soo sad Kristi and I didn't see Pride and Preduice today. I was looking forward to that. Well hopefully I get beeter. Love you all.